You Joined Him
by TheLastMarauder-Moony
Summary: Four years ago, Harry Potter made the worst mistake of his life. There is no redemption, but can he at least make them understand why?


**July 2000, Lupin's Cottage**

Remus stared at Harry in anger and betrayal. "You joined him," he said incredulously, "You took the mark of the monster who has taken everyone you held dear from you, and you want me to hear you out? Are you insane, Harry – or wait, isn't it Duncan now?"

"Remus," Harry pleaded, "Please hear me out. You have to… you have to understand why…"

"I don't have to understand anything," Remus said sharply, "What I _should_ do is call the Ministry – you're one of the most wanted wizards in Britain. And if you don't want me to do that, I'd suggest you get very far away from me and never come back."

Harry wouldn't give in. "Call them, then," he said defeatedly, "I deserve Azkaban. I deserve the Kiss. I don't care anymore. Call them. I have nothing left to fight for or against. I have _nothing left_."

Remus stared and sighed. "What is it you want me to understand?"

"Thank you," Harry said, his voice breaking. "If you had the choice between going through full moons repeatedly for the rest of your life or joining Voldemort, what would you do?"

"I'd take the full moons," Remus said without hesitation, "I'd save innocent lives rather than protect my own. I'd happily die before I became a murderer."

"You're a better man than I am," Harry said with a small smile of remembrance, "But then, we already knew that, didn't we?" Harry sighed as Remus began to get impatient, "It was … three months, Remus. I didn't leave Privet Drive of my own free will. My uncle drove me out to the middle of nowhere and handed me over to the death eaters for a bunch of money. No one talked to me, no one said anything, they just threw me in a cell and said that I'd be broken when they were done with me."

Harry sighed, "I am not a strong person, Remus. I endured so much before I was sixteen and I survived it, I dealt with it. But when you put me anywhere near dementors, I lose that strength. I spent three months locked in a cell with my worst fears and memories. It was either join them or spend the rest of my life that way. And I – I'm not strong when faced with that. At one point I'd have saved someone instead of myself, but I'd spent three months hearing my parents deaths, Cedric's death, Sirius' death, all of that… and I couldn't fight anymore. I don't expect forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it, but … I needed you to know why."

Remus smiled sadly, "Leave, Harry. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life in Azkaban, just leave. I can see where you're coming from but if you're not gone in five minutes I _will_ call the Aurors or the Order."

Harry nodded, just as sadly. "I know it's not enough, Remus," he said quietly, "But I am sorry."

"I know," Remus agreed. "Leave," Remus urged.

"No," Harry said, shaking his head, "I made the wrong decision when I was sixteen but I won't do it again. If I don't go to Azkaban I kill more innocent people and I won't do that. I won't let that happen. I may have been the only person who could defeat him at one point, but at this point, I just…" Harry sighed, "I won't let myself kill another person that isn't Voldemort," he said firmly.

"Well, well, well," a cold voice taunted, "My second in command and _heir_ has turned on me. Isn't this just fascinating?"

Harry swallowed and fingered his wand. "Crucio," he muttered, the wand first pointed at Remus but before there was a chance for the spell to hit him, it was turned to Voldemort. He screamed.

Harry felt only slightly guilty that he still reveled in the screams of pain. What had turned him into this monster? "Avada Kedavera," he uttered, but the spell missed. "I destroyed your horcuxes, Tom, you never should've told me where they were. You're dead. Avada Kedavera, reducto," he shouted, both spells hitting dead on.

Harry smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He turned to the last of his fathers friends, "Please call the Aurors – they have someone here to arrest and a death to confirm."

Remus stared at him sadly before sighing and rushing back into the house. A few minutes later the Aurors were apparating in and Harry tossed his wand to them, saying quietly but firmly, "I'm not going to put up a fight, if that's what you thought."

They stared.

"I know – I know that I've killed people who meant a lot to all of you – but I … I have no excuse and I won't even try to make one. I deserve Azkaban or worse than that. If I somehow get free you'll all die. That's not a threat, by the way. I've turned into a monster and as much as I hate it and dementors, I won't fight you taking me there. Just… I don't want a trial. That's all I request." He cracked a morbid grin, "We'd be there for months listing all the people I've killed." He blinked back tears, "Please just get this over with."

Kingsley Shackelbolt was the first Auror to move. He quickly magically bound Harry and searched him for any other weapons. Finding none, he nodded to the other Aurors and pulled out a portkey – a portkey to Order Headquarters. Harry sighed, "Why did you bring me here? This isn't Azkaban or the Ministry. Your job as an Auror is to arrest me, not bring me to Order Headquarters."

"The Minister is trusting the Order to deal with you."

Harry rolled his eyes again.

"Harry," a voice greeted, and for all the coldness in it you'd be surprised to know that the man talking was one who was generally a grandfather figure to everyone.

"Headmaster," Harry greeted quietly. "This is a mistake. I should be in Azkaban. Why did you bring me here? Do you have any idea how many people I've killed, tortured, how many families I've broken apart?"

"Yes, I do," Dumbledore said sadly.

Harry flinched at the disappointed look in his eyes. He was generally able to control his emotions well, but it had been a stressful day.

"Why?" Dumbledore asked after a moment of silence, "I want to know why."

Harry swallowed. "Fear."

Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Alright," he finally said, "Kingsley, you can take him to Azkaban now."

To Dumbledore's surprise, Harry smiled gratefully, "Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"You're not being sarcastic," Dumbledore said in shock.

"I'm not," Harry agreed, "Because I really am grateful. I am a monster, a demon, and I revel in torture and murder. I shouldn't he allowed to exist but since I do, I should be in Azkaban, locked away from anyone I could hurt."

"It's good to know that a part of Lily and James' son is still in you, Harry."

Harry shook his head, "I don't know about that." He turned to Kingsley, "And day now." Kingsley nodded and activated another portkey.

"Why did you bring me here?" Harry's voice could've frozen fire.

"Your worst fear is dementors. I am not a cruel person. I'll say that you activated the portkey to here and tried to put up a fight and I had no choice. It's up to you, though."

"After what I did, you'd do this for me?" Harry asked softly, "After what I did to your family, you would spare me that pain?"

Kingsley nodded.

"You're either a really good person or completely insane," Harry replied with a small smile. "Thank you," he uttered before turning towards the veil. Visions of his godfather falling through it filled his mind and he shuddered before jumping in without looking back.

End 


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